Filthy planet. Third from the sun, filled with pricks and whores. I had crashed on it during a cartography mission from what you call the constellation Virgo. Now, its been about a million and a half years. Figure it out. I'm an alien, mainly immortal. A few other immortal ones were trapped here too. The people of Earth were so stupid that their fucking rocket systems could barely carry their own people to the moon. We learned also that they were rude and murderous, as for my immortal pals, they were even worse in their ways, like the people of the planet, using their time to make everything miserable for everyone else.
My ship crashed in a tar pit, hit by some poorly made Arab rocket all that time ago. A million and a half years ago, there were humans with rockets? If you read those history books now, it's like getting hit by a torpedo. The bulkheads of reality and the past burst open, leaving a person to ingest the seawater of lies under the pressure of both myths and mandatory educations. So yes, I am saying now that I am both pissed off by their history books, religions, and that fabulous greeting card of a fucking rocket.
I scrounged around for awhile on foot. It was tedious. The usual always, drugged up men with guns chewing khat or cocaine leafs, guarding drugs and weapons. I found my way into the tent of a general once, rummaging around for ship parts. I told him I was immortal and could fight for him, out of a gesture, and he figured I was insane, which is a common designation by drug mad generals apparently. He had me taken away in iron cuffs, but the blacksmithing in the iron was so poor that a pliable sewing needle I had on hand picked the cuffs. I ran away without much resistance besides them yelling and shooting into the air.
Picking up a lift on a helicopter, I heard on the human noise radio some fat cat named President Haywood insulting an Empress. The soldiers who I had told would be paid handsomely for the ride spat sexual slurs. It scared the shit out of me. We hovered over military tents, drawing enemy fire until the co-pilot got something in the neck that made him slump out of his chair before he crawled out of the side door where the machine gunner was rat tat tating away. He must have fallen fifty feet. I moved from the passenger seat to the co-pilot section, where the pilot stopped piloting to try to knock me out of the fucking flying craft. Well the helicopter dove off to the right and with his force he slid over me and out of the doorless cockpit, down into all that jungle rising before us like a waving green tarmac, and I wasn't really that concerned about a potential crash since I would survive but a bit mangled and pissed, but the helicopter seemed worth saving so I grabbed the co-pilots control yoke and pulled it up and to the left. The tick tack of shrapnel and small arms fire kept pinging the metal armor from all those certain assholes on the ground. Something went wrong with the foul mouthed Emperess-hating machine gunner at the time because he was firing into the blue sky and hills beyond his range, while President Haywood continued spouting rhetoric in a fashion that wanted to make me vomit into the radio.
I glanced back and there was nothing but an arm with a tense hand curled around the machine gun, it fired wildly and the thrust of the gunner-less shooting kept throwing off the flight characteristics. Thank the heavens I knew how to pilot. I used the air speed paired with a left turn maneuver that slowed the helicoptor from a spiral and landed. I was immediately held at gunpoint by drugged out men with guns, and I kind of wasn't about revealing myself as an immortal from off the racist planet so I held up my arms and mouthed something into my translator. They seemed pissed. I told them to fuck off and get drunk and pass out and maybe the wars would be over by the morning if they all did that. They laughed and for some reason appeared pleased.
Well, I found Eris. They took me to her. She wasn't the fabled Emperess, just some low-level scum who was wanted in the constellation Virgo for stealing an immortality relic. We had hoped that she was too dumb to use the artifact, but when I saw her I knew otherwise. It is and was against the Law of the Milky Way for a corrupt or corruptable person to be endowed with immortality. She fired a brown pistol at me that hit me in the gut and then she knew. I asked her what she was doing. "Having fun" she said before laughing.
She introduced me to Steve Farnsworth first. All I can tell you now, even after a million and a half years, is what a fucking prick. He had set up some technology business, and was even trading weapons systems and computers with the natives for money, which pissed me off to no end then and now because he was immortal himself. When I first saw him he was sitting on a velvet couch surrounded by naked women feeding him fucking cherries, and at that point I knew that the rocket that hit my ship had been his. This was a complete mess, but I guess they both called themselves Erisian.
They hated me since I was moral and had love in my heart. Pretty soon I was introduced to some immortal syphlic patient named Casey, and I discovered that they were all partying and doing the same drugs the humans were, only they didn't care what happened to the natives or how they progressed because they were evil and demonic. Unfortunately there were more of them than me (the immortals) so I had to mind my p's and q's unless I wanted to be locked in some cave, where I would have to wait millions or billions of years until the existence of the planet ended, leaving me to float out into deep space with nothing to get me back to anywhere except for Hope and Prayer. I felt like they were involved in grave robbery. There's much more, but how do you catalog a million and a half years in this place?
No comments:
Post a Comment